The band I can't introduce properly on network TV

Ted is the lead singer and songwriter for Evil Empire, a Rage Against the Machine cover band in Washington, D.C., that performs at rallies and benefits for excellent causes. They have devoted fans who scream and dance at their concerts and chant the words of their songs.

A couple of weeks ago, Ted asked if I would introduce them at a concert they were doing to raise money for Iraq Veterans Against the War, among aother organizations. I was honored, and I thought long and hard about what to say and how to say it. I tried to think of some jokes. I don't often share the stage with big-haired rockers, so it was all pretty exciting.

When I got to the scene of the show, however, in a courtyard next to a half-finished condominium complex, Ted told me the deal. He wanted me to go up on stage and introduce Evil Empire exactly the same way that the mother of the drummer in Rage Against the Machine used to introduce that band. My prepared remarks were not needed. The Rage Against the Machine drummer's mother, who must have been about my age, used to go out into the middle of the stage--or so I'm told--and just stand there with the mike, waiting for everybody to get quiet. Then she'd say,

"And now for the best f--ing band in the whole f--ing universe!"

Easy enough. And after my flawless introduction, throughout a summer night of rappin and rockin, I was a celebrity. Some people are nothing more than a hockey mom, but I'm a hair band mom--which might even be about half a step up from my former life as a wrestling mom.

And you know what? The band is really, really good. Best in the whole fucking universe.